Blessings for Thanksgiving

We were warned by a fellow, veteran foster father that the holidays were a hotbed for new placements.  M2-4 arrived the Wednesday before Easter.  M1 arrived just after New Year's.  Thanksgiving this year was our first big holiday and sure enough it happened. 


Around 6pm on Thanksgiving Eve we received a call for a placement of two children, a 4 year old and a 4 month old.  We said yes and while we were waiting for a call back for more details and frantically making a shopping list of infant supplies we got a call back telling us that they found family members to take placement of these 2 munchkins, but the other sibling set that was removed from the same "gathering" as this set now needed a home.  We were told it was two brothers, one that was a year old (Munchkin 6) and one that was 3 years old (Munchkin 7). They informed us that the 1 yr old had sickle cell anemia that was treated by medication and the 3 year old had epilepsy that was also treated by medication and that the seizures were under control.  They sounded easy enough to handle and we said bring them on over.  They arrived at 9pm with nothing except the clothing on their backs which wasn't much.  Oh, and one bottle of unlabeled medication.  Who that medication was for and what the dosage or dosing schedule was no one knew!  Within a few minutes we learned that the epilepsy was in fact NOT under control even when on medication regularly (of course he had not been taking it regularly prior to coming to us) and M7 also had autism.  So, we were left with a 1 yr old with no medication and a 3 year old who is non verbal, seizing close to a dozen times a day, and who has extremely limited self help skills, AND also came with no medication.  To make matters more complicated, my father and sister, along with her two very large dobermans were set to arrive at 2am!  This was not the Thanksgiving we had envisioned. I spent most of Thursday dividing my time between holding M6 (he refused to be set down or held by anyone except me), calling multiple people and places to figure out the med situation for both boys,  and attempting to catch M7 as he repeatedly crashed to the floor in seizures.  Add in the Lion and M5 wanting attention and attempting to keep everyone out of the kitchen so the Scarecrow could cook and you have the recipe for the least restful Thanksgiving I've ever experienced.  It was hard.  It was stressful.  It was frustrating.  It was also a good reminder of how incredibly comfortable our life  is and how little so many people have.  M6 and M7 have had a HARD life.  They've never experienced a Thanksgiving feast before.  They've never had so many cuddles and love as they experienced yesterday.  They may not stay with us for long.  They may not be a sustainable fit for our family at the moment.  BUT we were able to feed them and cuddle them and love them and make what may very well be the worst day of their short lives just a little easier to take.  We were able to share our blessings and in return we received blessing tenfold.  Welcome M6 and M7.  Thank you for being our surprise Thanksgiving blessings. 

Why I Do It

Remember M2-4?  They arrived on our doorstep just before Easter Sunday last year.  That Sunday Scarecrow heard Matt Redman's song, 10,000 Reasons for the first time sung in Easter service.  It's a beautiful song and he went around singing/humming it for the next several weeks.  Because of his constant singing of the song (and it's recent release and frequent play on KLove) the girls immediately took to the song as well.  They christened it, "Daddy's Song" or sometimes, "Oh My Soul."  From then on they went around singing it the best they could.  Their lyrics were comical at best, but the intent was pure.  They had finally replaced the trash they had walked into my home singing (songs with lyrics that actually made ME blush-think the Discovery Channel song and worse) with something much more appropriate and for that I was thankful.  Every time it came on the radio all 5 children in my van belted it out.  It was like a chorus of angels (or at least that was what I had to imagine to keep from going crazy from the earsplitting, off key voices!)  For 5 months that song was a constant presence in my house.  It was a frequently requested bedtime song and I soon wondered if they would ever move on to something else.  I was getting a bit of tired of it despite the beautiful song it was.

 Fast forward to a few weeks before the girls left us.  I had to take them to emergency respite care with a fellow foster mother whom I had never met. ( NOTE: I was not happy about this arrangement.) This amazing woman was not only a veteran foster and adoptive mom, but she was also at that very moment hosting 2 Italian high school foreign exchange students when she agreed to watch my girls.  While there, the girls of course went around singing their song.  KLove was also playing pretty much constantly at her house so eventually 10,000 Reasons came on and the girls shouted, "That's Daddy's Song!  Turn it up!"  Granted they could have asked a bit more politely, but hey, it was a big improvement from the grunts we got when they came.  Anyway,  as the day went on the girls asked to watch TV or a movie and instead this fellow foster mom got on You Tube and looked up the video to 10,000 Reasons.  The girls were thrilled and watched it on constant replay for almost a half hour.  All this time the foreign students were just watching, listening, and taking it all in (they had just arrived in the US the day before!) and probably wondering what on earth they had gotten themselves into.  I picked the girls up at the end of the day and took them home and that was the end of the story.  Or so I thought.

 Fast forward 3 months.  The girls have moved on to another foster home.  We have another foster placement.  Today I took Lion and M5 to a local National Adoption Day celebration.  The foster mom who had helped me out happened to be there with her family (biological, adopted, foster, and foreign exchange).  We chatted briefly and she asked where my girls were.  I explained they had moved to another foster home closer to their birthmom.  Beginning to choke up, my new friend said, "I think about them every day."  She then went on to tell me that because of the insane number of times the girls watched that Matt Redman video, one of her exchange student daughters grew to like the song and bought the CD on itunes.  She listened to the whole thing and eventually began asking questions about the messages in the songs.  She then borrowed a bible from her host mother and started to read it.  Because of my girls and that one song this young woman was now very close to accepting Christ as her personal savior!  My friend said that every time she hears that song she tears up and thinks of my girls and the eternal impact they've had on her exchange student.

Who would have ever thought that 3 little girls being neglected and abused coupled with an inept and unethical DHHS caseworker could ever have been used for good, not just good, but GLORY!?!  But it happened my friends, it did.  If my girls hadn't gone through what they did they wouldn't have come to my home.  They wouldn't have heard that song and grown to love it.  If their caseworker had done her job I wouldn't have needed respite that day.  If I hadn't needed respite we would have never met my friend and her new exchange students.  If my girls hadn't played the heck out of that song who knows if that young woman would have bought that CD and grown to question the message on it.  I often wonder if what I do makes any difference.  Many of our kids will be destined to head right back into the same awful circumstances they came from.  Our care won't have really changed anything.  BUT God has a plan.  Just because I don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist and just because I don't see the fruits of my labor doesn't mean they aren't there.  I feel so fortunate to have seen my friend today and heard her story.  It was the wake up I needed to snap me out of my pity party. To stop me from wondering, "Why on earth do we do this?  Can we really make a difference?" This is why I do this.  God can use me even if I don't know what He's using me for. I just have to be willing.

Domestic Vilolence

I finally got to meet with M5s state caseworker and learned the nitty gritty about her case.  I found out why she's been in care for so long and why she was initially removed.  Domestic violence seems to be the over riding factor in her initial removal and the reason why she's still in care.  There have actually been 3 failed reunification attempts so far!  As far as I know that is practically unheard of.  As it stands now, the case goal is still reunification with birth dad.  Given his history of both domestic and child abuse, I'm not sure how he is even being considered as a candidate, but that's what the state wants at the moment.  The amount of domestic violence M5 has been exposed to in her short life just blows my mind.  Her initial removal came about because birthdad put her in the back seat of the car unrestrained at 18 months old and then proceeded to run birthmom over with the car multiple times and then get out and kick and punch her some more just to make sure she was thoroughly beat up!  Add that to the most recent abuse of his girlfriend's baby and I just can't believe he is being considered suitable for reunification.  This explains a lot about why M5 is so averse to physical touch.  Not only has she been witness to birthdad's repeated abuse of birthmom, but also the abuse of birthmom's most recent boyfriend toward birthmom.  UGH!  I am really interested to get to meet all of these players in person. 

M5 is settling in pretty well.  She has a ridiculous visit schedule though so I don't see  her a ton during the day.  That's a shame.  She could really use some positive interactions.  She and Lion have slipped into a fairly easy sibling relationship.  They bicker and fight as well as play nicely together and both seem to be happy about sharing a room together.  M5 is pretty cautious about Scarecrow.  Makes sense now that we know what she's seen other men do to her mom.  He's making it his mission to slowly, but surely work his way into her heart. 

Move In Day

M5 moved in today.  She came with a TON of clothing, but very little of it was what I would consider suitable.  Most of the pants she brought don't fit.  She came with 67 shirts! (both short and long sleeved) and I would say 3/4 or more of them are stained or worn so badly that I would be ashamed to send her out in public wearing them.  I'm hoping that the rest of them that aren't stained fit properly.  If they do then she should be ok in the shirt department, but we will definitely have to find her some new pants.  She seemed to remember all of us, including the pets, and ran straight to where the toys were located without even hesitating so it appears she remembers the house as well.  I think that will help her with her transition, but it will still be difficult for her.  Even though she's been told by both her foster mom and me that she's living with us from now on, I don't think she really understands that this isn't like last time-she's not staying for just a little while and then going back.  She's asked dozens of times today when she's going back to P's (former foster mom) house, why can't she stay with P, when is P coming to get her, etc.  I got a little bit of information on her case today from our foster care specialist, but even she is fairly new to the case and didn't have all the details I was looking for.  I'll have to set up a meeting very soon with her state caseworker to get all the specifics ironed out.  What I did find out is that M5 has been in care for 2 1/2 years!  Yes, you read that right, 2 1/2 years.  I was appalled that M1 had been in care for as long as he had when he came to us, but this is worse, far worse, and it appears that her case is essentially starting completely from square one again.  I don't know exactly why she was initially removed, only that it had something to do with drugs and alcohol being involved.  Her birthparents are separated, but both in the picture.  Apparently mom has done very little in the past 2 1/2 years to try to get M5 back.  Dad was apparently very close to getting her back several months ago and the case had progressed to unsupervised overnight visits, but then dad's girlfriend had a new baby and he beat the baby severely and ended up in jail!  He's just gotten out of jail last week so I'm not sure what's going to happen on his end.  I assume visits will start back up again with him, but they had better be supervised again!  I'm buckling in for another wild ride.  It'll be interesting to meet all the new players in the game and see how everyone is.  Wish us luck. 

Munchkin 5 is Coming Back!

I got two phone calls for potential placements today after a long dry spell.  It's funny how they seem to come in groups!  The first call didn't work out even though we were willing, but the second call was about Munchkin 5, the little girl we had done respite for last month.  Apparently her current foster parents can't keep her any longer. I'm not sure of the reason, but I wasn't super impressed with their care and affection for her in the first place to be honest.  I'm so excited to have her back.  She was so reserved and anti affection.  She is what I imagine M1 would have been like had we got him at 3 yrs old instead of 20 months.  I think she has a ton of potential and I can't wait to work with her.  She's a good fit for our family based on what we saw during her respite stay with us.  It will be interesting to see how things go once the honeymoon wears off.  Since this is a transfer from another foster home the transition shouldn't be as crazy as it was when M2-4 came.  I shouldn't have to do the whirlwind of doctor, dentist, and optometrist appointments.  I will have to figure out preschool though.  Preschool would definitely be a good thing for M5, but I have a feeling our local headstart is full. I'm not sure if the state will pay for preschool other than headstart or not.  It will also be interesting getting to know the particulars of her case.  From what little I gleaned during the time she was with us, it appears she has a very complicated case, but then I'm starting to learn that they all do.  Well, I'm off to go change bedsheets and get everything ready in her room for her to move right on in! 

Respite

We had our first respite placement last month and I really enjoyed myself.  The house has seemed so empty since Munchkins 1-4 left that it was nice to have some energy back in the place.  Munchkin 5 was a 3 (almost 4) year old little girl with boundless energy.  When I said I wanted some energy back in the house, God certainly answered!  M5 went full throttle from the time she woke up until the time she dropped exhausted into bed.  Respite care was an interesting experience.  Whenever someone unfamiliar watches my child I always give them TONS of information about what to expect, what her routines are, where I'm going to be, insurance cards, doctor's phone numbers, etc.  When M2, M3, M4 went to respite for a week I did the same thing for them.  You want your kids to feel comfortable and you want the person watching them to feel confident right?  Apparently not everyone rolls that way, at least not for their foster kids.  I had to ask repeatedly to have M5's foster mom contact me so that I could get even very basic information about her.  When she arrived she came with her clothes (albeit interesting selections for the forecasted weather) and that was it.  There were no phone numbers for how to reach her foster parents, no mention of who her doctor was, no medicaid number, I didn't even know her last name for pete's sake!  The foster mom gave me basically no information (even when asked) about her likes, dislikes, routines, etc.  All she told me was that the kiddo wouldn't sleep and that she usually puts her to bed at 8:30pm with a portable DVD player and then she ends up end the foster parents' bedroom every night!  Oh, and that she didn't/wouldn't take naps.  The first night of course was rough.  M5 was scared and confused.  She woke up 6 times sobbing, but never left her room.  Each time I went in to comfort her.  After that first night she never woke up even once during the night and never left her room once put there.  In our house, sleep is a priority and we are pretty good (if I do say so myself) at sleep training kids.  The Lion was a stinky sleeper for most of her life and M2-4 had to be taught from square one even though they were old enough they should have  known better.  M5 was a piece of cake to "train."  All it took was a consistent, calming routine and she was golden.  She even napped (actually slept not just rested) all but 2 days she was with us.  I truly believe she was simply lacking a good bedtime routine and was over tired before they were even putting her to bed.  We put her to bed a full hour and a half BEFORE they had been putting her down plus she was taking 2-3 hour naps during the day.  That most likely had the most to do with it.  One of the saddest things about M5 was that she, like M1-4, didn't know how to cuddle.  This really surprised me given the fact that she has been in her current foster home for over a year.  In general, she just didn't want to be touched at all, not even to have her back rubbed.  I don't know what her situation was like and why she was removed, but it still made me sad to see her so averse to affection.  We had a nice time while she was here and would definitely take her back again.  She fit in pretty well around here.  Now, we just wait for the next placement!

AWOL

I realize I've been AWOL for almost 4 months now, but boy has our life been in an upheaval.  Munchkins 2-4 seriously gave us a run for our money.  We had food issues galore-gorging and refusing to eat for 4-5 days at a time - from all 3 of them.  Making themselves vomit because of both issues.  I thought the Scarecrow was going to flip his lid as he presented plate after plate of food we KNEW the Munchkins liked and they refused to eat it.  They started refusing to eat any food at our home and ONLY eating the junk their birthmother gave them.  The girls went through 3, count 'em 3, therapists before we were finally able to settle down with one that seemed competent and was able to stick with them.  Within weeks of starting up with the new counselor there was a report of sexual abuse and the munchkins had to head to the child advocacy center to be interviewed.  We weren't surprised, we'd been voicing our suspicions from day one so we were actually relieved that they might actually get some therapy for it and whoever hurt them would be held responsible.  Then while they were being interviewed one of the munchkins accused us of spanking her with a wooden spoon and WE were investigated!  That was a nightmare and Scarecrow was once again inches from sending them packing.  Then there was the Wicked Witch of the West, that was Munchkins 2-4's caseworker.  She was the most WORTHLESS DHHS worker I could have dreamed up!  Not only did she NOT do her job, I believe she actively worked AGAINST the girls' best interest.  Not once did I ever meet her.  Not once did she come visit the girls in my home.  Not once in 5 months did she conduct a team meeting.  Not once did she ever return an email or phone call even after I complained to her supervisor who only made excuses for her.  She dropped the ball on more HUGE issues than I can even begin to mention here.  I can honestly say that I will never work with her again. If I know a child is on her caseload I will decline that placement.  She was THAT bad.  There was violence.  LOTS of it.  There was refusing to sleep until the wee hours of the morning EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  They were so hateful to each other and to the other children.  There was their birthmom and her manipulations.  Oh the manipulations.  It was easy to see where the girls learned it.  There was precocious puberty-a 7 year old AND a 6 year old with pubic hair, body odor, and moodiness.  In the midst of all of this chaos, Munchkin 1 was moved from our home against his caseworker and the Good Witch's wishes (and of course our wishes) on a judges order to go live with a great aunt whom he did not know and somehow appeared out of the woodwork after 2 years of foster care bouncing, but was able to pass a background check.  It was essentially a move to yet another foster home since M1 did not know her at all, but to this particular judge blood beats stability and he was moved.  It was heartbreaking.  As I had to hand him over to his visitation worker that day knowing he would never come home, he pleaded with me, "Stay home today Mommy. Stay home today?"  I cried and cried and cried.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  Then, when August rolled around we got M3 and M4 enrolled in school and M2 enrolled in preschool and set up for speech classes.  We bought school supplies, delivered them to the school, met the teachers, saw the classrooms, etc all 4 days before school started.  Then TWO days before school started they decided to move the girls to a foster home closer to their birthmom.  Now, don't get me wrong, I was thrilled for ME that they were moving, but the timing STUNK.  They had all summer to move the girls and allow them to get settled before starting school.  Instead they gave us 2 days warning and decided to pick them up on the first day of school.  I had to take Lion to her first day of school and then rush home to get the munchkins ready for their departure. 

It's very interesting the differences in how I feel about M1 leaving and M2-M4 leaving.  I long for M1. I miss him and think of him every day.  I would welcome him back in a heartbeat and long for him to be mine forever.  Scarecrow and Lion feel the same way.  We LOVE him.  M2-M4, I worry about.  I wonder if they are getting proper care.  I wonder if they are settling in and getting the medical attention they need.  I wonder if anyone is making them eat healthy.  I worry about their future.  BUT I don't miss them.  I'm relieved they are gone.  While I cared deeply about them and their welfare and I advocated fiercely for them, I did not like them.  I know WHY they are the way they are.  I know what caused their personality and character flaws.  I know the roots of their behaviors.  But when I watch little girls be deliberately mean and vicious to each other, Lion, and M1 it makes it hard to LIKE them.  It pains me to admit this.  Maybe it's not Christian like.  I prayed for Jesus to grant me the ability to like, to love these girls the way they deserved to be loved, but it just never came.  It was a daily struggle to keep my cool as they continued to torture M1 and Lion.  I feel like I failed them.  Even though I saw a HUGE difference in them from the day they came to me like a pack of wild animals trashing the house to the day they left, I still feel like I failed at the most basic of levels.  I needed to love these girls. I needed to show them them what love felt like, but I just couldn't.  I treated them well. I met all of their needs and many of their appropriate wants.  I gave them experiences and discipline they were lacking and taught them many things, but I never could answer them back when they called out, "I love you mommy."  I feel that will haunt me forever. 

Now I just pray for God's forgiveness that I failed these girls and ask for another chance, another placement to help, another chance to make things right.