I realize I've been AWOL for almost 4 months now, but boy has our life been in an upheaval. Munchkins 2-4 seriously gave us a run for our money. We had food issues galore-gorging and refusing to eat for 4-5 days at a time - from all 3 of them. Making themselves vomit because of both issues. I thought the Scarecrow was going to flip his lid as he presented plate after plate of food we KNEW the Munchkins liked and they refused to eat it. They started refusing to eat any food at our home and ONLY eating the junk their birthmother gave them. The girls went through 3, count 'em 3, therapists before we were finally able to settle down with one that seemed competent and was able to stick with them. Within weeks of starting up with the new counselor there was a report of sexual abuse and the munchkins had to head to the child advocacy center to be interviewed. We weren't surprised, we'd been voicing our suspicions from day one so we were actually relieved that they might actually get some therapy for it and whoever hurt them would be held responsible. Then while they were being interviewed one of the munchkins accused us of spanking her with a wooden spoon and WE were investigated! That was a nightmare and Scarecrow was once again inches from sending them packing. Then there was the Wicked Witch of the West, that was Munchkins 2-4's caseworker. She was the most WORTHLESS DHHS worker I could have dreamed up! Not only did she NOT do her job, I believe she actively worked AGAINST the girls' best interest. Not once did I ever meet her. Not once did she come visit the girls in my home. Not once in 5 months did she conduct a team meeting. Not once did she ever return an email or phone call even after I complained to her supervisor who only made excuses for her. She dropped the ball on more HUGE issues than I can even begin to mention here. I can honestly say that I will never work with her again. If I know a child is on her caseload I will decline that placement. She was THAT bad. There was violence. LOTS of it. There was refusing to sleep until the wee hours of the morning EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. They were so hateful to each other and to the other children. There was their birthmom and her manipulations. Oh the manipulations. It was easy to see where the girls learned it. There was precocious puberty-a 7 year old AND a 6 year old with pubic hair, body odor, and moodiness. In the midst of all of this chaos, Munchkin 1 was moved from our home against his caseworker and the Good Witch's wishes (and of course our wishes) on a judges order to go live with a great aunt whom he did not know and somehow appeared out of the woodwork after 2 years of foster care bouncing, but was able to pass a background check. It was essentially a move to yet another foster home since M1 did not know her at all, but to this particular judge blood beats stability and he was moved. It was heartbreaking. As I had to hand him over to his visitation worker that day knowing he would never come home, he pleaded with me, "Stay home today Mommy. Stay home today?" I cried and cried and cried. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Then, when August rolled around we got M3 and M4 enrolled in school and M2 enrolled in preschool and set up for speech classes. We bought school supplies, delivered them to the school, met the teachers, saw the classrooms, etc all 4 days before school started. Then TWO days before school started they decided to move the girls to a foster home closer to their birthmom. Now, don't get me wrong, I was thrilled for ME that they were moving, but the timing STUNK. They had all summer to move the girls and allow them to get settled before starting school. Instead they gave us 2 days warning and decided to pick them up on the first day of school. I had to take Lion to her first day of school and then rush home to get the munchkins ready for their departure.
It's very interesting the differences in how I feel about M1 leaving and M2-M4 leaving. I long for M1. I miss him and think of him every day. I would welcome him back in a heartbeat and long for him to be mine forever. Scarecrow and Lion feel the same way. We LOVE him. M2-M4, I worry about. I wonder if they are getting proper care. I wonder if they are settling in and getting the medical attention they need. I wonder if anyone is making them eat healthy. I worry about their future. BUT I don't miss them. I'm relieved they are gone. While I cared deeply about them and their welfare and I advocated fiercely for them, I did not like them. I know WHY they are the way they are. I know what caused their personality and character flaws. I know the roots of their behaviors. But when I watch little girls be deliberately mean and vicious to each other, Lion, and M1 it makes it hard to LIKE them. It pains me to admit this. Maybe it's not Christian like. I prayed for Jesus to grant me the ability to like, to love these girls the way they deserved to be loved, but it just never came. It was a daily struggle to keep my cool as they continued to torture M1 and Lion. I feel like I failed them. Even though I saw a HUGE difference in them from the day they came to me like a pack of wild animals trashing the house to the day they left, I still feel like I failed at the most basic of levels. I needed to love these girls. I needed to show them them what love felt like, but I just couldn't. I treated them well. I met all of their needs and many of their appropriate wants. I gave them experiences and discipline they were lacking and taught them many things, but I never could answer them back when they called out, "I love you mommy." I feel that will haunt me forever.
Now I just pray for God's forgiveness that I failed these girls and ask for another chance, another placement to help, another chance to make things right.
