Blessings for Thanksgiving

We were warned by a fellow, veteran foster father that the holidays were a hotbed for new placements.  M2-4 arrived the Wednesday before Easter.  M1 arrived just after New Year's.  Thanksgiving this year was our first big holiday and sure enough it happened. 


Around 6pm on Thanksgiving Eve we received a call for a placement of two children, a 4 year old and a 4 month old.  We said yes and while we were waiting for a call back for more details and frantically making a shopping list of infant supplies we got a call back telling us that they found family members to take placement of these 2 munchkins, but the other sibling set that was removed from the same "gathering" as this set now needed a home.  We were told it was two brothers, one that was a year old (Munchkin 6) and one that was 3 years old (Munchkin 7). They informed us that the 1 yr old had sickle cell anemia that was treated by medication and the 3 year old had epilepsy that was also treated by medication and that the seizures were under control.  They sounded easy enough to handle and we said bring them on over.  They arrived at 9pm with nothing except the clothing on their backs which wasn't much.  Oh, and one bottle of unlabeled medication.  Who that medication was for and what the dosage or dosing schedule was no one knew!  Within a few minutes we learned that the epilepsy was in fact NOT under control even when on medication regularly (of course he had not been taking it regularly prior to coming to us) and M7 also had autism.  So, we were left with a 1 yr old with no medication and a 3 year old who is non verbal, seizing close to a dozen times a day, and who has extremely limited self help skills, AND also came with no medication.  To make matters more complicated, my father and sister, along with her two very large dobermans were set to arrive at 2am!  This was not the Thanksgiving we had envisioned. I spent most of Thursday dividing my time between holding M6 (he refused to be set down or held by anyone except me), calling multiple people and places to figure out the med situation for both boys,  and attempting to catch M7 as he repeatedly crashed to the floor in seizures.  Add in the Lion and M5 wanting attention and attempting to keep everyone out of the kitchen so the Scarecrow could cook and you have the recipe for the least restful Thanksgiving I've ever experienced.  It was hard.  It was stressful.  It was frustrating.  It was also a good reminder of how incredibly comfortable our life  is and how little so many people have.  M6 and M7 have had a HARD life.  They've never experienced a Thanksgiving feast before.  They've never had so many cuddles and love as they experienced yesterday.  They may not stay with us for long.  They may not be a sustainable fit for our family at the moment.  BUT we were able to feed them and cuddle them and love them and make what may very well be the worst day of their short lives just a little easier to take.  We were able to share our blessings and in return we received blessing tenfold.  Welcome M6 and M7.  Thank you for being our surprise Thanksgiving blessings. 

Why I Do It

Remember M2-4?  They arrived on our doorstep just before Easter Sunday last year.  That Sunday Scarecrow heard Matt Redman's song, 10,000 Reasons for the first time sung in Easter service.  It's a beautiful song and he went around singing/humming it for the next several weeks.  Because of his constant singing of the song (and it's recent release and frequent play on KLove) the girls immediately took to the song as well.  They christened it, "Daddy's Song" or sometimes, "Oh My Soul."  From then on they went around singing it the best they could.  Their lyrics were comical at best, but the intent was pure.  They had finally replaced the trash they had walked into my home singing (songs with lyrics that actually made ME blush-think the Discovery Channel song and worse) with something much more appropriate and for that I was thankful.  Every time it came on the radio all 5 children in my van belted it out.  It was like a chorus of angels (or at least that was what I had to imagine to keep from going crazy from the earsplitting, off key voices!)  For 5 months that song was a constant presence in my house.  It was a frequently requested bedtime song and I soon wondered if they would ever move on to something else.  I was getting a bit of tired of it despite the beautiful song it was.

 Fast forward to a few weeks before the girls left us.  I had to take them to emergency respite care with a fellow foster mother whom I had never met. ( NOTE: I was not happy about this arrangement.) This amazing woman was not only a veteran foster and adoptive mom, but she was also at that very moment hosting 2 Italian high school foreign exchange students when she agreed to watch my girls.  While there, the girls of course went around singing their song.  KLove was also playing pretty much constantly at her house so eventually 10,000 Reasons came on and the girls shouted, "That's Daddy's Song!  Turn it up!"  Granted they could have asked a bit more politely, but hey, it was a big improvement from the grunts we got when they came.  Anyway,  as the day went on the girls asked to watch TV or a movie and instead this fellow foster mom got on You Tube and looked up the video to 10,000 Reasons.  The girls were thrilled and watched it on constant replay for almost a half hour.  All this time the foreign students were just watching, listening, and taking it all in (they had just arrived in the US the day before!) and probably wondering what on earth they had gotten themselves into.  I picked the girls up at the end of the day and took them home and that was the end of the story.  Or so I thought.

 Fast forward 3 months.  The girls have moved on to another foster home.  We have another foster placement.  Today I took Lion and M5 to a local National Adoption Day celebration.  The foster mom who had helped me out happened to be there with her family (biological, adopted, foster, and foreign exchange).  We chatted briefly and she asked where my girls were.  I explained they had moved to another foster home closer to their birthmom.  Beginning to choke up, my new friend said, "I think about them every day."  She then went on to tell me that because of the insane number of times the girls watched that Matt Redman video, one of her exchange student daughters grew to like the song and bought the CD on itunes.  She listened to the whole thing and eventually began asking questions about the messages in the songs.  She then borrowed a bible from her host mother and started to read it.  Because of my girls and that one song this young woman was now very close to accepting Christ as her personal savior!  My friend said that every time she hears that song she tears up and thinks of my girls and the eternal impact they've had on her exchange student.

Who would have ever thought that 3 little girls being neglected and abused coupled with an inept and unethical DHHS caseworker could ever have been used for good, not just good, but GLORY!?!  But it happened my friends, it did.  If my girls hadn't gone through what they did they wouldn't have come to my home.  They wouldn't have heard that song and grown to love it.  If their caseworker had done her job I wouldn't have needed respite that day.  If I hadn't needed respite we would have never met my friend and her new exchange students.  If my girls hadn't played the heck out of that song who knows if that young woman would have bought that CD and grown to question the message on it.  I often wonder if what I do makes any difference.  Many of our kids will be destined to head right back into the same awful circumstances they came from.  Our care won't have really changed anything.  BUT God has a plan.  Just because I don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist and just because I don't see the fruits of my labor doesn't mean they aren't there.  I feel so fortunate to have seen my friend today and heard her story.  It was the wake up I needed to snap me out of my pity party. To stop me from wondering, "Why on earth do we do this?  Can we really make a difference?" This is why I do this.  God can use me even if I don't know what He's using me for. I just have to be willing.

Domestic Vilolence

I finally got to meet with M5s state caseworker and learned the nitty gritty about her case.  I found out why she's been in care for so long and why she was initially removed.  Domestic violence seems to be the over riding factor in her initial removal and the reason why she's still in care.  There have actually been 3 failed reunification attempts so far!  As far as I know that is practically unheard of.  As it stands now, the case goal is still reunification with birth dad.  Given his history of both domestic and child abuse, I'm not sure how he is even being considered as a candidate, but that's what the state wants at the moment.  The amount of domestic violence M5 has been exposed to in her short life just blows my mind.  Her initial removal came about because birthdad put her in the back seat of the car unrestrained at 18 months old and then proceeded to run birthmom over with the car multiple times and then get out and kick and punch her some more just to make sure she was thoroughly beat up!  Add that to the most recent abuse of his girlfriend's baby and I just can't believe he is being considered suitable for reunification.  This explains a lot about why M5 is so averse to physical touch.  Not only has she been witness to birthdad's repeated abuse of birthmom, but also the abuse of birthmom's most recent boyfriend toward birthmom.  UGH!  I am really interested to get to meet all of these players in person. 

M5 is settling in pretty well.  She has a ridiculous visit schedule though so I don't see  her a ton during the day.  That's a shame.  She could really use some positive interactions.  She and Lion have slipped into a fairly easy sibling relationship.  They bicker and fight as well as play nicely together and both seem to be happy about sharing a room together.  M5 is pretty cautious about Scarecrow.  Makes sense now that we know what she's seen other men do to her mom.  He's making it his mission to slowly, but surely work his way into her heart. 

Move In Day

M5 moved in today.  She came with a TON of clothing, but very little of it was what I would consider suitable.  Most of the pants she brought don't fit.  She came with 67 shirts! (both short and long sleeved) and I would say 3/4 or more of them are stained or worn so badly that I would be ashamed to send her out in public wearing them.  I'm hoping that the rest of them that aren't stained fit properly.  If they do then she should be ok in the shirt department, but we will definitely have to find her some new pants.  She seemed to remember all of us, including the pets, and ran straight to where the toys were located without even hesitating so it appears she remembers the house as well.  I think that will help her with her transition, but it will still be difficult for her.  Even though she's been told by both her foster mom and me that she's living with us from now on, I don't think she really understands that this isn't like last time-she's not staying for just a little while and then going back.  She's asked dozens of times today when she's going back to P's (former foster mom) house, why can't she stay with P, when is P coming to get her, etc.  I got a little bit of information on her case today from our foster care specialist, but even she is fairly new to the case and didn't have all the details I was looking for.  I'll have to set up a meeting very soon with her state caseworker to get all the specifics ironed out.  What I did find out is that M5 has been in care for 2 1/2 years!  Yes, you read that right, 2 1/2 years.  I was appalled that M1 had been in care for as long as he had when he came to us, but this is worse, far worse, and it appears that her case is essentially starting completely from square one again.  I don't know exactly why she was initially removed, only that it had something to do with drugs and alcohol being involved.  Her birthparents are separated, but both in the picture.  Apparently mom has done very little in the past 2 1/2 years to try to get M5 back.  Dad was apparently very close to getting her back several months ago and the case had progressed to unsupervised overnight visits, but then dad's girlfriend had a new baby and he beat the baby severely and ended up in jail!  He's just gotten out of jail last week so I'm not sure what's going to happen on his end.  I assume visits will start back up again with him, but they had better be supervised again!  I'm buckling in for another wild ride.  It'll be interesting to meet all the new players in the game and see how everyone is.  Wish us luck. 

Munchkin 5 is Coming Back!

I got two phone calls for potential placements today after a long dry spell.  It's funny how they seem to come in groups!  The first call didn't work out even though we were willing, but the second call was about Munchkin 5, the little girl we had done respite for last month.  Apparently her current foster parents can't keep her any longer. I'm not sure of the reason, but I wasn't super impressed with their care and affection for her in the first place to be honest.  I'm so excited to have her back.  She was so reserved and anti affection.  She is what I imagine M1 would have been like had we got him at 3 yrs old instead of 20 months.  I think she has a ton of potential and I can't wait to work with her.  She's a good fit for our family based on what we saw during her respite stay with us.  It will be interesting to see how things go once the honeymoon wears off.  Since this is a transfer from another foster home the transition shouldn't be as crazy as it was when M2-4 came.  I shouldn't have to do the whirlwind of doctor, dentist, and optometrist appointments.  I will have to figure out preschool though.  Preschool would definitely be a good thing for M5, but I have a feeling our local headstart is full. I'm not sure if the state will pay for preschool other than headstart or not.  It will also be interesting getting to know the particulars of her case.  From what little I gleaned during the time she was with us, it appears she has a very complicated case, but then I'm starting to learn that they all do.  Well, I'm off to go change bedsheets and get everything ready in her room for her to move right on in! 

Respite

We had our first respite placement last month and I really enjoyed myself.  The house has seemed so empty since Munchkins 1-4 left that it was nice to have some energy back in the place.  Munchkin 5 was a 3 (almost 4) year old little girl with boundless energy.  When I said I wanted some energy back in the house, God certainly answered!  M5 went full throttle from the time she woke up until the time she dropped exhausted into bed.  Respite care was an interesting experience.  Whenever someone unfamiliar watches my child I always give them TONS of information about what to expect, what her routines are, where I'm going to be, insurance cards, doctor's phone numbers, etc.  When M2, M3, M4 went to respite for a week I did the same thing for them.  You want your kids to feel comfortable and you want the person watching them to feel confident right?  Apparently not everyone rolls that way, at least not for their foster kids.  I had to ask repeatedly to have M5's foster mom contact me so that I could get even very basic information about her.  When she arrived she came with her clothes (albeit interesting selections for the forecasted weather) and that was it.  There were no phone numbers for how to reach her foster parents, no mention of who her doctor was, no medicaid number, I didn't even know her last name for pete's sake!  The foster mom gave me basically no information (even when asked) about her likes, dislikes, routines, etc.  All she told me was that the kiddo wouldn't sleep and that she usually puts her to bed at 8:30pm with a portable DVD player and then she ends up end the foster parents' bedroom every night!  Oh, and that she didn't/wouldn't take naps.  The first night of course was rough.  M5 was scared and confused.  She woke up 6 times sobbing, but never left her room.  Each time I went in to comfort her.  After that first night she never woke up even once during the night and never left her room once put there.  In our house, sleep is a priority and we are pretty good (if I do say so myself) at sleep training kids.  The Lion was a stinky sleeper for most of her life and M2-4 had to be taught from square one even though they were old enough they should have  known better.  M5 was a piece of cake to "train."  All it took was a consistent, calming routine and she was golden.  She even napped (actually slept not just rested) all but 2 days she was with us.  I truly believe she was simply lacking a good bedtime routine and was over tired before they were even putting her to bed.  We put her to bed a full hour and a half BEFORE they had been putting her down plus she was taking 2-3 hour naps during the day.  That most likely had the most to do with it.  One of the saddest things about M5 was that she, like M1-4, didn't know how to cuddle.  This really surprised me given the fact that she has been in her current foster home for over a year.  In general, she just didn't want to be touched at all, not even to have her back rubbed.  I don't know what her situation was like and why she was removed, but it still made me sad to see her so averse to affection.  We had a nice time while she was here and would definitely take her back again.  She fit in pretty well around here.  Now, we just wait for the next placement!

AWOL

I realize I've been AWOL for almost 4 months now, but boy has our life been in an upheaval.  Munchkins 2-4 seriously gave us a run for our money.  We had food issues galore-gorging and refusing to eat for 4-5 days at a time - from all 3 of them.  Making themselves vomit because of both issues.  I thought the Scarecrow was going to flip his lid as he presented plate after plate of food we KNEW the Munchkins liked and they refused to eat it.  They started refusing to eat any food at our home and ONLY eating the junk their birthmother gave them.  The girls went through 3, count 'em 3, therapists before we were finally able to settle down with one that seemed competent and was able to stick with them.  Within weeks of starting up with the new counselor there was a report of sexual abuse and the munchkins had to head to the child advocacy center to be interviewed.  We weren't surprised, we'd been voicing our suspicions from day one so we were actually relieved that they might actually get some therapy for it and whoever hurt them would be held responsible.  Then while they were being interviewed one of the munchkins accused us of spanking her with a wooden spoon and WE were investigated!  That was a nightmare and Scarecrow was once again inches from sending them packing.  Then there was the Wicked Witch of the West, that was Munchkins 2-4's caseworker.  She was the most WORTHLESS DHHS worker I could have dreamed up!  Not only did she NOT do her job, I believe she actively worked AGAINST the girls' best interest.  Not once did I ever meet her.  Not once did she come visit the girls in my home.  Not once in 5 months did she conduct a team meeting.  Not once did she ever return an email or phone call even after I complained to her supervisor who only made excuses for her.  She dropped the ball on more HUGE issues than I can even begin to mention here.  I can honestly say that I will never work with her again. If I know a child is on her caseload I will decline that placement.  She was THAT bad.  There was violence.  LOTS of it.  There was refusing to sleep until the wee hours of the morning EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  They were so hateful to each other and to the other children.  There was their birthmom and her manipulations.  Oh the manipulations.  It was easy to see where the girls learned it.  There was precocious puberty-a 7 year old AND a 6 year old with pubic hair, body odor, and moodiness.  In the midst of all of this chaos, Munchkin 1 was moved from our home against his caseworker and the Good Witch's wishes (and of course our wishes) on a judges order to go live with a great aunt whom he did not know and somehow appeared out of the woodwork after 2 years of foster care bouncing, but was able to pass a background check.  It was essentially a move to yet another foster home since M1 did not know her at all, but to this particular judge blood beats stability and he was moved.  It was heartbreaking.  As I had to hand him over to his visitation worker that day knowing he would never come home, he pleaded with me, "Stay home today Mommy. Stay home today?"  I cried and cried and cried.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  Then, when August rolled around we got M3 and M4 enrolled in school and M2 enrolled in preschool and set up for speech classes.  We bought school supplies, delivered them to the school, met the teachers, saw the classrooms, etc all 4 days before school started.  Then TWO days before school started they decided to move the girls to a foster home closer to their birthmom.  Now, don't get me wrong, I was thrilled for ME that they were moving, but the timing STUNK.  They had all summer to move the girls and allow them to get settled before starting school.  Instead they gave us 2 days warning and decided to pick them up on the first day of school.  I had to take Lion to her first day of school and then rush home to get the munchkins ready for their departure. 

It's very interesting the differences in how I feel about M1 leaving and M2-M4 leaving.  I long for M1. I miss him and think of him every day.  I would welcome him back in a heartbeat and long for him to be mine forever.  Scarecrow and Lion feel the same way.  We LOVE him.  M2-M4, I worry about.  I wonder if they are getting proper care.  I wonder if they are settling in and getting the medical attention they need.  I wonder if anyone is making them eat healthy.  I worry about their future.  BUT I don't miss them.  I'm relieved they are gone.  While I cared deeply about them and their welfare and I advocated fiercely for them, I did not like them.  I know WHY they are the way they are.  I know what caused their personality and character flaws.  I know the roots of their behaviors.  But when I watch little girls be deliberately mean and vicious to each other, Lion, and M1 it makes it hard to LIKE them.  It pains me to admit this.  Maybe it's not Christian like.  I prayed for Jesus to grant me the ability to like, to love these girls the way they deserved to be loved, but it just never came.  It was a daily struggle to keep my cool as they continued to torture M1 and Lion.  I feel like I failed them.  Even though I saw a HUGE difference in them from the day they came to me like a pack of wild animals trashing the house to the day they left, I still feel like I failed at the most basic of levels.  I needed to love these girls. I needed to show them them what love felt like, but I just couldn't.  I treated them well. I met all of their needs and many of their appropriate wants.  I gave them experiences and discipline they were lacking and taught them many things, but I never could answer them back when they called out, "I love you mommy."  I feel that will haunt me forever. 

Now I just pray for God's forgiveness that I failed these girls and ask for another chance, another placement to help, another chance to make things right.

Holy Mackerel!

The last month has been ROUGH!  When we were told the girls (munchkins 2-4) were coming we were assured that they were super sweet and polite and that the only behaviors they had were some minimal food hoarding issues.  Well, that could not have been farther from the truth.  While we do see food issues, there has been no hoarding of food yet.  There HAS been hoarding of just about everything else though.  Possessions in general are a problem.  Then there is the aggression.  All 3 are physically and verbally aggressive towards each other, M1 and Lion, the Scarecrow and I, and the pets.  They are manipulative, sneaky and compulsive liars. There have been multiple incidences of stealing (both from stores and people within our home). We've had excrement issues galore from 3 completely potty trained children.  Then there is the stuff we expected: disobedience, pushing limits, lack of boundaries, exposure to bad language/gestures, etc.  PLUS the lice that was supposedly all taken care of at the transition home was still in full swing when they arrive and continued to rise from the dead again and again as the girls had visits with their mother.  If you've never tried to get a non compliant child to stand/sit still for 2-3 hours so you can pick nits from their hair every single night (and multiply that times 3 kids) and had to launder 5 sets of sheets, blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, and clothing every single day then maybe that part you won't quite understand, but let me assure you it's brutal and lice may very well be a deal breaker for us if a call ever comes in for a placement with it again. All combined it's made for a serious roller coaster of a month.  Still, we seem to be holding up ok aside from a few freak-outs from the Scarecrow.  Whenever I wonder how much longer we can hold  out if the current level of behaviors continue long term I think about the fact that WITH the glowing report of zero behaviors we were the ONLY home for hundreds of miles willing to take all 3 of them.  NOW, with all the known behaviors that have been discovered, it would be practically impossible to find a home to take them.

Possessions

Munchkins 2, 3, and 4 have a problem with possessions. They obsess about them. They hoard them. They fight about them. They steal them. They've never really had anything so now that they have clothing, a house with furniture, toys, beds, etc they have gone round the been about THINGS. They have decided that absolutely everything they see or touch is THEIRS whether it is or not. M3 steals things (both from stores and from other people in the house) and then hides them in her little stashes all over her room. None of them can stand for another person to even look at something they have claimed as theirs. They've even become possessive about the chairs at the kitchen table! If M1 (who is only 2 years old today!) climbs onto the chair they sat at during the most recent meal that child will go crazy shouting, "Get off my chair! Mom, M1 wants my chair! He can't have MY CHAIR! IT'S MY CHAIR! MINE!" I've even been told I could not sit on a chair! Today the big thing was library books. They checked out books from the library on their last visit and now that they are home if either M1 or Lion so much as walks toward one of those books the girls will flip out. Even after repeated explanations about how the books belong TO THE LIBRARY and we will ALL share the books at our house they can't handle it. If it continues to be as big a problem as it was today then they won't be allowed to check out any more books from the library. I can't handle the added drama. We have more children's books than our local public library anyway so it's not like they NEED to go to the library to get books!

It was M1s birthday today and M2, 3, and 4 had a BIG problem with that. They could not stand that today was not all about them. They even tried to claim his gifts even though they are baby toys! Thank heavens we had planned (before we knew about the girls) to keep M1s birthday low key because they absolutely COULD NOT have handled a party. At least now we know better than to plan a party for any of them. That would be meltdown city.

M1s case continues to go nowhere. We are getting more and more frustrated with his visitation workers and the agency that employs them by the hour. They are consistently late, do not call to let us know when there is a canceled visit, end visits early at their own discretion, and in general do not insure M1s well being as they are supposed to be doing. Technically they are supposed to be providing parenting training during the visits instead of just watching what happens, but they do not step in when unsafe/unhealthy food is given or no food at all is given. They allow inappropriate situations to occur frequently. It irritates the heck out of me! Still no word on when court will happen next. We are now past the 15 out of 22 month mark for M1 being in out of home care for M1's birthdad so technically termination could happen for both parents simply based on that regardless of what else the state has against them.

Today I had to send M3 to her room for awhile and she was not allowed to be playing with anything so I need to remove any possible play thing from the room. I knew the girls had been hoard things in the room, but I truly had no idea how bad it was. When I started cleaning out the room I found tags from their new clothes that I had thrown in the bathroom trash stashed between the mattress and box springs, dirty tissues inside pillow cases, toys belonging to the other kiddos hidden under the bed and under pillows, clothing stashed in the window sills, random stuff in empty doors and hidden in the corners of the closet. One thing I found were some clothes the girls had brought with them when they came that I had never seen before. The clothes smelled so badly that I almost vomited. I put them in the washing machine on the sanitize cycle and the smell still did not go away. If those clothes smelled that badly I can only imagine how bad their trailer must have smelled! I'm going to try to wash them one more time and if I still can't get rid of the smell I guess I'll just have to throw them away. It was interesting that the girls were hoarding those particular clothes though. I wonder if they remind them of their house and they wanted to keep them close? I can't keep something that smells that badly in my house though. It was unbelievably foul. I can't even begin to describe the stench.

New Munchkins!

We are deep into the throes of settling in our newest placements, Munchkin 2, Munchkin 3, and Munchkin 4. These sisters are super sweet, but boy oh boy do they have some serious issues stemming from their recent past. Munchkin 2 is 3, almost 4 years old. She has a shaved head because her mother decided to shave it to deal with the chronic lice that all three girls (as well as herself) have. M2 is pretty much scarred from having her head shaved and is terrified that everyone will think she is a boy. She is clingy, without any sense of personal boundaries (even for a 3 yr old), demanding, and extremely whiny. Still, one look at those beautiful brown eyes and your heart just melts. Munchkin 3 is 6 years old and in kindergarten. Of all three of the sisters, she is the most screwed up by all they've been through. Even though she's 6, she throws daily toddler temper tantrums (complete with throwing herself on the floor and kicking and screaming) anytime she doesn't get her way. She's got quite an attitude and is seriously behind in school. She's beautiful though and I think she's used to batting her pretty lashes and having people cave to her will. Munchkin 4 is the oldest at 7 years old (almost 8) and is in first grade. Though she is almost 2 years older than M3 they are the same height and M4 weighs significantly less. She's not even on the growth chart! She likes to speak with a baby voice to get attention and is the physical aggressor of the bunch. We've had lots of problems with pinching and hitting the other kids in the house covertly and then lying about it. I wonder if since she's so small she thinks she needs to make up for it by pushing others around?

Their situation that they came from just makes me sick to think about it. They lived in a trailer with no running water that was extremely unsanitary. The policeman who removed them had to leave the house multiple times while he was there to keep from vomiting from the smell. The girls had chronic lice that their mother refused to treat and went to school unbathed and in dirty clothes. All 3 were beat with a belt and made to drink hot sauce when they were in trouble. They were also food restricted and punished for taking food when it was withheld from them. With all of that, it's no wonder the girls have the issues they do and quite frankly it's amazing they came through as well as they have! If lying, stealing, mild physical and verbal aggression, tantrums, food hoarding/binging, and no limits and boundaries are all we have to contend with then I'd say the girls came out very lucky indeed.

Going from 2 kids to 5 has been a HUGE switch. Munchkins 2, 3, and 4 aren't easy kids to add to that mix either. Simply the logistics of getting 7 people out the door every morning has been a staggering adjustment for me! Then there's feeding seven people when truly I hadn't even adjusted to feeding 4 yet from when M1 joined our family. Everything we do is a production from getting into the car to brushing teeth. AND it's definitely going to take me awhile to get used to the stares when I go out with all 5 kiddos in tow. We definitely cause a scene since none of them really obey! We've even already been asked if we were a daycare when we were out at Pizza Hut once!

New Placements

Yesterday was a BUSY day. The Scarecrow left for a trip out of the country for work and pretty much as soon as he left the calls for placements started coming in. The first call was for two little boys-a 1 year old and a 3 year old with severe cerebral palsy. Either one of the boys by themselves would have been fine, but both of them, combined with Munchkin 1 would have made it impossible for me to go ANYWHERE. I would have 3 kids needing strollers/carts/being carried and no way for me to manage that by myself with my current equipment. So, with great regret I had to call the placement worker and turn down the placement. During that very same call I found out that she had another situation for me to consider. This time it was for 4 children, 3 girls and 1 boy. Unfortunately I couldn't possibly take all 4 because my van isn't big enough to haul any more than 5 total kids and I already have 2. So, I offered to take all 3 girls if they could find another placement for the infant boy. It was pretty easy for her to find a home for the baby so sometime next week I will go from a mama of 2 to a mama of 5. I will now have a 7, 6, 5, 3, and 2 year old living under our roof! I must be crazy!

In other news, we had to make a 3rd hotline call for M1 after a visit. This one we had to take him to the doctor's office to make the report. I ended up held hostage in the exam room with a cranky, sleep deprived M1 for 3 1/2 hours. It was a horrendous experience. I had to talk to multiple law enforcement officers and an investigator. The doctor took photos, the investigator took photos, they drew blood, they took statements. It was an ORDEAL.

On a happy note, M1 said, "I love you," twice last week completely unprompted! He probably doesn't know what it means, but it still made me feel good anyway :) M1 has also learned to recognize the letters H, M, D, and sometimes S. He won't say the letter name, but he'll excitedly point to them and say a word that starts with that letter.

Still no news on when M1s next court date is or if termination of rights for his birthmother will begin soon or not. The courts around here seem to move at a snail's pace so as long as they don't think about moving M1 anywhere until he's going to stay then I guess I don't care how long it takes.

Pre-Permanency Conference

So we had M1s pre-permanency conference and it was definitely interesting. One of the most important lawyers, the one who insisted the meeting be held in the first place, didn't bother to show up and both of the birthparents' lawyers did not prep the birthparents for what they would most likely hear at the meeting at all! So, poor birthmom heard for the very first time in front of a room full of people that the state will be petitioning to terminate her rights, probably later this month. She was in complete shock. Now, she SHOULD have known this was coming on her own, but either she's in denial or even more likely has no clue and it was her lawyer's job to prepare her and she didn't. That makes me angry. Birthmom shouldn't have had to find out that way. Birthdad heard that he has 2 months to get his act together otherwise the state will also be petitioning to terminate his rights as well. Both birthgrandparents were told they were not suitable candidates for guardianship or adoption. They DID NOT like hearing that. The difference between termination and relinquishment was discussed. Well, discussed is a loose term. They told the birthparents about both options, but the birthparents did not participate in the conversation or ask any questions. The entire purpose of this meeting was SUPPOSED to be to discuss whether the birthparents were going to relinquish or force the state to file for termination. It was supposed to be for discussing their options, but since 3 separate lawyers dropped the ball that didn't happen at all. I'm not sure when the next court date or even team meeting will be. It should definitely be interesting whenever either one of them happens.

The Joys of Toddlerhood

The past few weeks have seen us quite busy. Toddlers are by definition busy, but when you add in birthfamily visits, case worker home visits, abuse investigator visits, team meetings, and ANOTHER hotline call and you have a recipe for exhaustion. Don't forget an active ADHD 5 year old and regular old family life! I'll start with the good. M1's language has been blossoming the last few weeks. Today he even spouted off a completely intelligible 4 word sentence completely unprompted! I was so proud of him. He's really starting to enjoy listening to books and will even sometimes bring one to me to read AND sit in my lap voluntarily! That's a BIG deal for him. He doesn't like to sit in laps. I think that physical contact is uncomfortable for him. Scarecrow said jokingly the other day that our true goal in fostering is to instill in every child that passes through our home a love of books! We might have succeeded with M1. M1 seems to be really bonding with Lion. I'm not positive he's begun bonding with Scarecrow and I at all. I think we are just nice people who feed and care for him as far as he's concerned, but Lion, she's different. He calls for her all day long and wants to know where she is every moment of the day. He's concerned when she cries. He loves to waller her and hug on her.


There have been some definite cute toddler funnies recently. Today after church we went out to eat and I put a napkin under M1's bowl to keep spills from ending up on the table. He moved the bowl to the middle of the napkin and placed his sippy cup at the upper right hand corner just like a place mat would be set. Then, each time a piece of food would fall on the napkin he would remove the bowl and cup, crumple up the napkin and ask for a new one. Then he'd replace everything just the way it was and begin eating again. This exact same, methodical process repeated itself probably 4 or 5 times during the meal! It was all Scarecrow and I could do to keep from rolling on the floor laughing. Do we see some control issues cropping up here? Another funny story has to do with M1 and the cat. For some reason our cats like to steal toys. They have their own cat toys, but they prefer children's toys, especially illegally obtained children's toys! The thing is, they don't just bat the toys around with their paws. Our cats seem to have super hero powers in their jaws and they will pick up incredibly big or heavy toys in their mouths and carry them off. The list of impossibly large and hard to carry toys that they have absconded with is too big to even write. It makes M1 seriously angry, I mean REALLY TICKED OFF when the cats run off with his toys. It doesn't matter if he was currently playing with that toy or not. He doesn't appreciate them taking his toys and he does something about it. My days are a chorus of "DAT!" followed by a shrieked war cry and the pitter patter of toddler feet as he chases down the offending feline and attempts to obtain the stolen toy before the cat hides it under a piece of furniture. It's pretty hilarious to watch. Well, last week M1's caseworker and a new employee in training stopped by for a home visit and they got to witness one of these little exchanges between the cats and M1. To me they are commonplace and I barely even raise an eyebrow anymore. The women, however, were astounded. They couldn't believe what they were seeing. Just while they were there one of the cats took off with a very large lacing bead, a plastic shape sorter block, a dollhouse doll, the blood pressure cup from the toy doctor kit, and a racquetball sized ball. Each time M1 took off after her and either returned with the missing item or called me in to retrieve it from under a chair where the cat had hidden it from him. The ladies were beside themselves in hysterics. I'm convinced that even though the cats did this before M1 came to live with us, that this particular cat enjoys toying with him and does it on purpose when he is looking just to annoy him! It's her passive aggressive way of getting back at him for all his tail pulling, eye poking, and face squeezing!


Of course there has been rough stuff since my last post as well. The hotline call generated an investigation. I had to talk with law enforcement, meet the bio dad and his family for the first time face to face only days after it happened, and speak with numerous investigators from DHHS. Then, just when I thought it was all behind us, another mark showed up after a visit that was eerily similar to the first ones and I had to call the hotline again! I was so dreading that. I had to go through the entire process again and of course I'll also be seeing bio dad soon again too since M1 finally has his pre permanency hearing next week. We've been asked, and will be asked again at the meeting, if we would be willing to adopt M1 should his case go that way. Our answer is most definitely yes. He's a perfect fit for our family, but my heart grieves for him and his life, both his past and his future. We can give him a loving future, but we can never replace his past that was lost. I wish his life could have been happy and safe with his bio family. It's clear that they love him. They just don't know how to parent. Really, they don't know how to care for themselves either, but that's a whole other issue in itself. If we were to adopt him, while it would be similar to Lion's adoption in that it would still be an open adoption, his life and experiences would still be so much different. His early life has been filled with so much confusion and uncertainty, so many transitions, so many caregivers. How I wish I could have held him and snuggled him when he was a tiny baby like I did with Lion. I wish I could have taught him how good it feels to be cuddled. I wish I had seen his first step and heard his first word, taken pictures of him with his first birthday cake smeared on his face. But for him, those memories will be lost. Too many people passed through his life for them to be passed on. When Lion asks for stories about when she was a baby and the things she did, M1 won't be able to hear similar stories about his life because they've been lost in the shuffle of too many moves and no one to care enough to write them down. Hopefully this week we'll learn what forever holds for our little Munchkin 1. Wherever he goes I hope that it will be his forever home and that he can start making memories to last him a lifetime with people who love him.

The Hotline

In the state we live in, every suspected case of child abuse must be reported through one central hotline phone number. Even if it is a person from the child protective services reporting the abuse, they have to use the same hotline phone number to report and record their complaint the same as a general citizens. Yesterday we had to make our first hotline call :( We aren't even a month into our foster care gig and we've already had to report possible abuse.

On Friday night M1 came home from his visits with his birthfamily and he reeked of smoke. We took him straight up to the tub and when we took his clothes off we found suspicious looking bruises on both of his upper arms in the same place on each arm and they looked like finger marks. They weren't there when he left on his visit, but they were painfully visible when he got back. He had visited both birthmom and birthdad on separate visits that day, both of which were supposedly supervised. I'm not sure how bruises like that could happen if supervision was occurring, but apparently they did. When the visitation worker dropped M1 back off she did not mention any incident that could have caused those bruises like a fall or other accident. I called her as soon as we got M1 in bed and she again didn't mention anything and then when I told her what I had found she stated, "Well, maybe dad played a little too rough." A little too rough? Um, I don't think so. Playing doesn't make bruises like that.

It just makes me sick that M1 could have gotten seriously hurt while on a supervised visit. Thankfully all he has is bruises, but still. Even though M1 is not my child I've felt funny from the very beginning turning him over for hours at a time to have his visits and then having him returned not knowing what went on during his day at all. This of course seals the deal. I'm never going to feel comfortable letting him go now. Unfortunately, I don't have a choice. I have to do as I'm told and if the state says he has to go on a visit then he has to go no matter what I want or think. I'm sure there will be an investigation of some kind about the bruises, but until then he may still have to go on visits. I'm so not comfortable with that and my heart breaks for M1. I want to be able to protect him, to keep him safe, but if he's not with me I can't do that.

M1 is supposed to have two more visits tomorrow. I'm dreading it, simply dreading it. There is also a team meeting later in the week and for the first time I'll meet his birthdad and the birthdad's family as well as some other key members of M1's case. I assume my hotline call is kept anonymous, but I'm sure it would not be difficult to figure out who reported the bruises. That's probably not the best first impression to make. Still, I had to do what was best for M1.

Affection

M1 doesn't seem to know how to express affection. From what I know of his case he didn't get any himself for the first part of his life, but he's been in foster care for over a year. Surely his former foster parents were affectionate with him, right? How could you not be affectionate with a cute little baby/toddler? Still, it seems as if he has no idea what to do when someone tries to show him affection and he certainly doesn't show affection back to others. He will hug or kiss when prompted, but he has no eye contact and is off to the next thing before even finishing the request. He won't cuddle period and you would think I was jabbing hot pokers into him whenever I try to get him to sit on my lap or hold him and get him to lay his head down on my shoulder. When you pick him up, he doesn't hold on or mold into you. It's just so sad. I want to snuggle and cuddle him, to rub his back or stroke his cheek but he hates it. Even if he gets hurt he doesn't want to be cuddled. The most he'll let me do is sorta kiss the place where the boo-boo is and then he's back off.

It was always easy for me to show affection to Lion. She was my little girl and we snuggled her from day one. Even as an infant she returned the affection by cooing and smiling at us. We were definitely rewarded for our efforts and we kept it up. With M1 it is so different. I find that I have to be very conscious about showing him affection and persisting in my expressions of affection even when he rebuffs me because it just doesn't come natural to me. When affection is not returned it's not so natural to continue giving it. I'm sure that's what got M1 into his current state of mind and I can see it happening to me with him if I don't make a conscious effort to keep up the flow of affection. I'm definitely going to have to Fake it until I can Make it with him. He deserves to be loved on even if he doesn't know how to give it back.

The Good Witch

Today I met via phone a very important person in M1's case, his guardian ad litem. From here on out I'm going to refer to her as Glenda the Good Witch (Glenda for short) because she's the one who's responsible for helping Munchkin 1 navigate his way through Oz and back to Kansas. Let me just say that my first impression of Glenda is that I LOVE HER! That woman has spunk. She's feisty. She truly seems to care for the kids she's working for and she doesn't appear to be afraid to make waves to get stuff done. We talked for over an hour! The thing that she said that really impressed me is that she keeps a baby picture of M1 on her desk to remind her why she fights so hard for these kids. Just as some background information, M1 was left in an infant car seat pretty much 24/7 for the first several months of his life and therefor has a misshapen head to show for it. When he came into care Glenda fought like heck to get it approved for him to go the the helmet clinic to get a helmet that would help reshape his head. Because of government red tape he was denied again and again for the visit until when they finally approved for him to have an evaluation for one it was too late to reshape the skull. Even though she did all she could she's still angry at the outcome and keeps his picture up to remind her that she has to fight even harder for all of the kids in her care. I like that about her. Thankfully for M1, now that he has some hair his head shape isn't as noticeable as it was in his infant pictures, but you can definitely feel the deformity and if his hair is ever cut too close or he has male pattern baldness as an adult it will be very noticeable.

Today Lion decided to initiate me into the mama of two club by having a raging 1 1/2 hour long meltdown after school. It was my first time having to try to manage her rage, keep M1 safe and his needs met, and try to work Lion's behavior plan and execute the safe holds her psychologist taught us for when she gets aggressive, all at the same time. By the time Scarecrow got home from work I was drenched in sweat and simply exhausted. I also had 2 very cranky children on my hands. Needless to say everyone went to bed early tonight! They definitely needed it!

Something I am already noticing in foster care that is very interesting is the court ordered visits. M1 has supervised visits with both his birthmother and his birthfather separately. Together they are supposed to add up to about 30 hours a week. In my opinion that is A LOT of hours for visits, but I understand that for a kid as young as M1 to keep a bond with a birthparent the visits need to be frequent and long enough to allow for plenty of care to occur. While neither parent wants to lose visitation time, so far over the week M1 has been with us one 6 hour visit has been canceled, another 7 hour visit was cut short by 3 hours, and a 3 hour visit lasted only 1 hour. If it is so important that these visits occur to preserve M1's bond with his parents why aren't they actually happening?!? You have the time, show up and make the most of it I say! Besides being frustrated for M1 and the way the visits disrupt his meal times, naps, etc. It's also frustrating for me because I have to plan my day around his visits, making sure I'm here for him to be picked up and dropped off from them. So, I can't schedule appointments and such too close to a pick up or drop off time. So, I've been scheduling them in the middle of the visit to avoid the issue. However, when the visit all of a sudden gets canceled or cut short and I have to run home to get M1 and my appointment now lands squarely in the middle of his nap or meal time, I just want to scream. I'm sure this will only get worse and we knew before taking placement of M1 that his visits were screwy, but it still irritates me to no end.

Off to the Doctor's Already!

Poor little M1 hasn't even been here half a week and we've already headed for the doctor's office. He's so congested he sounds like Darth Vader when he breathes!  The verdict was sinusitis and tonsillitis. At least he's REALLY good about taking his medicine. From the way he smacks his lips you would think I'm giving him candy!  Surely it can't taste that good!  I'm hoping that he recovers quickly.  He's got a jam packed schedule with almost 30 hours worth of visits a week. That will be rough if he's feeling yucky.  I wish I could just keep him home and let him chill, but as I'm already finding out being the foster mama means that although I have all the responsibilities of a mama I get none of the rights so I have absolutely no say as to whether he goes or stays home from a visit and HHS says he goes. :(

It was crazy to me how difficult it is to take a child who is not technically your own to the doctor.  The office still wants you to fill out all the forms, but you don't know even half of the information they want!  Then when we actually got to see the doctor and they were asking about health history and even exactly when his symptoms started I felt like a complete idiot because I didn't know! He had his symptoms when he arrived. They had just gotten worse since then. I have a feeling there are going to be many more of these incidences when I either feel helpless or like an idiot when it comes to caring for a child that I have no true authority over his life.

M1 is learning more and more about our routines and house rules and seems to be figuring them out pretty quickly although there are definitely some, like no carrying your sippy cup around with you, that he DOES NOT like :)  I'm starting to see how difficult it will be to enforce limits on this little guy and expect him to understand when there are at least 4 different sets of adults in his life that spend a significant amount of time with him and who all have very different expectations about behavior and the consistency to which they enforce those expectations.  This goes for healthy eating and sleeping habits as well.  It's hard to expect him to comply with my rules when he spends almost as much (maybe more, I should figure it up) of his waking hours in other people's care (who don't share my parenting ideas) than in mine.

Lion continues to do well with M1. She enjoys playing with him and has been fairly helpful in caring for him. We've seen some extra clinginess and jealousy rear up, but really on the whole it hasn't been bad at all.  I would say the thing she struggles with the most is accepting that he doesn't have the kind of language skills she expects from a human. She talks to him and he doesn't respond or he wants to tell her something and it comes out just in grunts and screams. That's VERY frustrating to her. In fact she's had this issue ever since she was close to M1's age!  She communicated so well so early that she had a difficult time relating to the kids her age who were just grunting and pointing. She would look at them with disdain almost!  It really has been an eye opener for Scarecrow and I to see M1's development and remember back to Lion at that same age.  It's helping us to see how very ahead she was and how totally clueless we were about typical development! 

New Life View

It's only been 2 1/2 days and already foster care has given me a new life view. After reading M1's case file it makes me sad to think of what he's gone through as well as what his birthfamily has gone through. It's been tough for all concerned and not likely to get any easier anytime soon :( They warned us about the cycle that can sometime happen to children who grow up with a rough start and it seems that both birthparents have been part of that cycle themselves and now they've brought M1 along with them. It's hard to parent when nobody was ever a parent to you.

M1 isn't quite 2 years old yet, but he's had more caregivers over the course of his lifetime than I can possibly identify! I can't even imagine how confusing that must be for him. To survive, instead of acting out he's decided to just go with the flow. He'll gladly go to anyone and is quite obedient and easy to manage for a toddler, but affection and trust is definitely not on his agenda yet. He doesn't make eye contact unless he's about to do something naughty. He's very stiff when you carry him instead of molding himself to your body and hanging on. He doesn't come to an adult when he gets hurt. AND saddest of all, he had no idea how to cuddle. Sitting on a lap, being read a story, sang to, or rocked is almost torture to him! Besides meeting his immediate needs of food, safety, shelter, hygiene, etc, cuddling has been our top priority. I'm determined for this little guy to know that we are the people he can trust. We won't be going anywhere. We care and we'll show him how to care too. Today at church I put him in a Moby Wrap and took him into service with us. I wasn't about to drop him off in the nursery (although I'm positive he would have gladly gone and been a model child) to have one more set of people he doesn't know take care of him when he'd just been moved to an entirely new house only the day before. Usually the Moby Wraps are used for infants and younger babies, but they easily hold up to a 35lb child. I'm small, 5'2" and I had no problem toting him around for the entire service. M1 wasn't sure what to think about being in the wrap. He didn't like it, but he couldn't escape either. When he's just being held he can wriggle and wriggle until he wiggles right out of your arms. Not so with the wrap! After some protesting he seemed to settle in. I held my arms around him even though I didn't need to do it to support him and we just swayed back and forth like I used to do with Lion when she was an infant and I was trying to soothe her or put her to sleep. Eventually I felt his little body relax some and once or twice he even thought about laying his head down on my shoulder. Bedtime tonight and naptime went slightly better than the last two nights and we were actually able to keep him in the chair with us for a book and a song although he was still restless and uncomfortable. There is progress, but I'm sure it'll take him quite awhile before he truly trusts us.

Lion is adjusting well to being a big sis I think. She of course doesn't like splitting mom and dad's attention, but what kid does? She was unhappy to see M1 leave yesterday for his visit with his birthmother so soon after he had arrived in our house. That actually surprised me a bit. I figured she'd be ready for a break because although M1 is an easy toddler in my opinion, he is still high energy and definitely a toddler! Normally Lion has little patience for anyone under the age of 5 so this instant "ownership" she felt for M1 was pretty exciting. She's having to adjust to a whole new routine which has been difficult for her since she thrives on her routine, but I think she's been a trooper about it. I know we haven't seen the worst of it. We're definitely in the honeymoon stage for sure, but I do think there can eventually be peace and harmony in the house between them both.

Our First Post

This is my first post as a foster mama. I'm excited to be entering into this crazy journey. I'm trusting God to lead me in the right direction so that we can help the children that come through our home make it safely through Oz and back home to "Kansas," wherever that may be.

To tell you a little bit about our family, there's me-Dorothy and my husband the Scarecrow. We adopted our daughter-the Cowardly Lion (hereafter referred to as Lion) as in infant. We have an open adoption with Lion's birthfamily and hope to one day possibly adopt again through the foster system and have another open adoption if possible. Lion is in kindergarten and is very excited about her new role as a big sister. It's a big change for her though. She's been the only child in the house for 5 years and when you add that to some tricky behavior issues (ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder) it's a lot for a little girl to handle. I do think she'll settle in though. It's just going to take some time. It'll take time for all of us I think. Our newest member of the family is our first foster placement-Munchkin 1 (M1 for short). He's 21 months old and we'll be the 5th home he's lived in over the course of his short life. He's only been with us for a day and a half and everyone's lives have been turned upside down! It's a steep learning curve adjusting to having a toddler in the house again and I'm sure M1 has absolutely no idea what to think about what has just happened to his life.

Well, that's us in a nutshell. Come join us as we get aquainted with Oz and all the surprises it has in store for us.